Awake With a Yeerk
by Animorphgirl
Summary: Andrew's a fairly typical involuntary Controller-until he needs to have a necessary operation and things go wrong. Warning for violence and descriptions of pain.
1. Chapter 1

My name is Andrew. I'm not going to give you my last name. Not because of the Yeerks. I'm already a Controller. Just because I want to write my story, and keep what little privacy I still have. Which, given that I'm a Controller, is probably highly ironic, but what can you do? It's not like I can do anything about the Yeerk in my head, and what he sees.

Like most people, I became a Controller by going to one too many Sharing meetings and agreeing to sign up for full membership. They don't exactly kick you out if you say you're not going to stay as a full member-except they sort of do. There's a time limit for this type of thing.

As soon as they started talking about aliens, I tried to bolt. Because either they were telling the truth and I didn't want to turn over my life to an alien slug, or they weren't telling the truth and this whole Sharing thing was a cult.

I didn't make it very far-like as far as the next room-when they grabbed me and dragged me to the Yeerk Pool.

There were others, like me, who hadn't agreed to become Controllers that day. They got taken, too.

Some of them pled, said they wouldn't tell anyone what they had heard. Others seemed resigned. And others, like me, tried to fight. Escape.

'Course, we all met up with the same fate.

The humans who had been dragging me turned me over to these bladed monsters that I later learned were Hork-Bajir. They grabbed me, tearing at my clothes with their blades in an attempt to restrain me.

Yeah, I fought the bladed monsters.

I lost, obviously.

They pushed my head under the water. I was choking, drowning. I had my eyes closed at the last minute, so I didn't see the slug enter my head.

I felt it, though. There was this sharp pain as the slug began to enter my ear, but it disappeared immediately. I wondered if I was going to be deaf in one ear by the time the slug had finished wrapping its way around my brain.

That only made me more angry, and I tried thrashing. But, soon, I couldn't do that. The slug seized control of my brain, wrapping its slimy body around whatever areas controlled motion.

Some people say it's slow at first. That it's just the arms, then the legs, and all the way up to not even being able to blink your eye. That's all true. I experienced that later, after countless trips to the Yeerk Pool.

But right then, all I was aware of was not being able to breathe, and then, not being able to move.

(GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!) I screamed.

The Yeerk didn't answer, or not right away. He held my body still, and then the guards let him stand. Even helped him to stand.

He spat out a bunch of water that I had gotten in my mouth. Disgusting tasting stuff. He inhaled and then exhaled rapidly, trying to get enough air back into my lungs.

"This one resisted," one of the guards explained, as though my Yeerk couldn't hear my screams.

"Evidently," my voice said. Then, facing the guards, he added, "In the future, act with more restraint. I don't want my body body damaged permanently."

(Oh, no?) I taunted, sure that he could hear me. (I'll give _you_ permanent damage, you alien jerk!)

He let out a sigh in my head as he walked me away from the pool. (You'll try, I'm sure,) he said, his tone sounding amused. (But you'll be little more than a cumbersome voice in my head.) Another pause, and then, he added, (My name is Nordis Seven-Three-Two.)

I didn't bother responding, just tried to fight for control. To do anything at all. Even blink my eyes. But, I realized soon enough, that not only could I not do anything, I couldn't even feel my body. Not like I normally could, anyway.

Not that I had given much thought to it before.

The slug accessed my memory. Not everything, as I learned later. Just to find out who I was. My name, where I lived, that kind of thing.

(STOP IT!) I screamed.

To my surprise, he did. The images in my mind stopped. Naturally, I tried fighting for control, and failed even to do as much as blink my eyes.

(Look, Andrew,) the slug told me, (you can keep attempting to resist me, or you can accept defeat. You'll only wear yourself out if you keep fighting.)

The odd thing was, even back then, the slug sounded almost sympathetic. Like he knew that even though he had full control over my body and my mind (well, at least my memories-he couldn't control my thoughts), he didn't really want to be my enemy. Didn't want me to hate him.

Not that I paid much attention to this. I spent most of the following two and a half days alternating between fighting for control and screaming at him to get out of my head.

If I'd had been married already or still lived with my parents, maybe I could have hoped that if I got control at the right moment, I could have managed to shout a warning to them. As it was, I lived alone (except for a pet goldfish) and didn't have many friends outside of work. Oh, and as for my job? I worked from home, so I couldn't exactly issue a warning to my coworkers.

Yeah, I had virtually no life. But hey, that's why I had joined The Sharing. Because I wanted to try to get one.

Little did I know about the alien slug invasion.

Nordis, for his part, mostly tried to ignore me. I guessed that it could have been worse. A lot of Yeerks tortured their hosts when they "misbehaved" as badly as I did. But Nordis must have figured I'd get tired of fighting and screaming at him.

He wasn't wrong, exactly. It only took me three weeks to figure out I was draining myself of energy whenever I resisted, and given that I had succeeded exactly zero times in gaining control, it didn't take a genius to figure out that I was only hurting myself.

After I stopped fighting, Nordis attempted, in his own weird alien way, to make things easier for me. For example, he never actually gave me control, but during the beginning, his hold on my brain was so tight that I could barely feel anything going on outside my head. Like, when we ate food, I couldn't even taste it. So, not only was I a prisoner, it was like I was in a sensory deprivation tank inside my mind. But, like I said, once I stopped fighting, he sort of rewarded me by letting me feel life outside my head. Oh, not as much as if he wasn't there, but it felt like a lot.

Also, Nordis never used my memories as a way of torturing me. So, that was something else.

I guessed that we reached a sort of unspoken alliance around the six month part. I didn't talk to him unless I had to, and he pretty much left me alone. Also, when we went to the Yeerk Pool, he'd made it clear from the beginning that no matter what I did to try and escape, the Hork-Bajir guards were not to physically injure me. Sure, he probably did it mostly for himself, since he'd feel any pain they caused me after he slithered back into my head. But, still. It was something.

Probably, things would have continued like that until the end of the war. Me just existing in my head, wanting to be free, but also aware that I had it better than a lot of involuntary hosts. Because my family wasn't at risk, and my Yeerk didn't deliberately try to hurt me.

Were it not for an operation that went horribly wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

It started out as a normal enough day. I, or more accurately, Nordis using my body and brain, worked on my computer for several hours before his hunger pains drove him to the Yeerk Pool. I never felt his hunger directly. Either he was always able to keep the actual pain away from my brain, or maybe his body wasn't connected to my brain in that way. Obviously, if he stubbed my toe or something, Nordis would feel the pain because he was connected to my brain in order to control my body. But, for whatever reason, it didn't work in the reverse. He'd tried to explain it to me, once, but either he didn't fully understand it, or I wasn't good enough at alien biology to comprehend what he meant. At any rate, I always knew when Nordis was hungry, but I never actually felt any of the hunger.

Anyway. He had me quit work early so that he could feed, which, as I had already stated, was the only time he was gone from my head, and therefore, the only time I could move around on my own.

As much as you _can_ move around in a cage, packed with other involuntary humans.

Okay, we had enough room to get in and out without crushing each other, and yeah, we had leg room while we were there. But it wasn't like you could walk around in there, even if you were the first to be shoved in.

The Yeerks might have total control over our bodies when they were wrapped around our heads, but the Yeerk Pool was the one place that people like me could scream or swear or cry as loud as we wanted, without anyone stopping us. There _were_ rooms around the Yeerk Pool area, or so I'd been told. Offices for the Vissers or sub-Vissers. A large area for the "voluntary" hosts who, I imagined, were as scarred as the rest of us, but figured that if they didn't resist, at least they would have a space to watch TV for a few hours and walk around.

After I stopped resisting Nordis, after he knew that I had basically given up, he offered to have me reclassified as voluntary. Because, after all, it wasn't like voluntary hosts could escape. Get up and leave. The only way out of the Yeerk Pool was with a Yeerk in your head.

I hadn't bothered to respond to his suggestion in actual words. My disgust at his suggestion showed him my answer. Thing was, I didn't actually hate, or even dislike, the voluntary hosts. Like I told you, I didn't think they had any more of a choice than the rest of us. But to be reclassified as one? That felt like treason. I'd take a cramped cage over that, thanks.

So, Nordis went to feed, and I was taken to the cages. At least, the Hork-Bajir let me walk as they clamped my arms around their blade. d hands. Moreover, they were careful not to hurt me. Not out of concern for me, of course, but because Nordis outranked them, and could make a big stink if they did.

I'd stopped screaming awhile ago. I wasn't much for doing something unless I thought it could actually _do_ something, and the only result I'd gotten from screaming was a hoarse voice. And I felt that long before Nordis came back.

I mostly just sat on the dirt floor on the cages and moved my body enough so that I wouldn't forget how to use it if I ever became free for more than a couple of hours at a time. I'd seen people forget how to move, and one of the nightmares I'd had since getting infested was waking up and not being able to move _anything_. Nordis would actually comfort me after I'd had those nightmares, believe it or not.

(That won't happen as long as you practice moving when I'm in the Yeerk Pool,) he'd tell me. (Keep that up, Andrew, and you'll be fine.)

(But the others...) I'd object.

He'd usually sigh, then. (Some Yeerks torture their involuntary hosts for their own amusement. Those hosts that you've seen are most likely ones who have been broken by their Yeerk.)

The first time I'd heard that, even though it really shouldn't have surprised me all that much, I mentally tried to withdraw from Nordis as much as possible. Which, really, was impossible. Like trying to hide when you're already pressed up against a corner.

He'd noticed, of course. (I wouldn't do that to you,) he had told me, his tone a mixture of amusement and annoyance. (You should have realized that, already.)

I'd given him a mental glare. (You should be glad I stopped fighting you. Screaming at you. Yeerk.)

He'd laughed a little. (Believe me, Andrew, I am.) He paused before adding, (And that's why I can promise you that I won't mentally torture you, like those other humans you've seen.)

It had been reassuring to hear. So much so that I figured I might as well ask for the impossible.

(How about sharing control with me, Nordis?) I used his name on purpose. I rarely used it. Not when I didn't need to. On the other hand, come to think about it, he addressed me by my name a lot. Never "human" or any other term that I was sure _those_ Yeerks used on their hosts.

(I can't,) he answered, and he seemed genuinely regretful of that. (You know why.)

I did. I wouldn't be able to help it. If Nordis gave me control, I'd probably scream. Try to run out the door of my apartment, scream to anyone who would listen about Yeerks. Not that I would be able to accomplish much before he'd be back, reasserting himself. I'd seen host rebellions before. They never lasted for more than a few seconds.

Looking back, maybe I could have asked for partial control. Like my arms, or even just my eyes. Anything. But, I didn't. Anything less than my entire body would be felt like nothing at all.

So, while I was in the cage with four other humans, I just focused on moving my arms, my legs, my facial muscles. I didn't bother talking to any of my fellow involuntary Controllers, because, really, what was there to say?

Too soon, a Hork-Bajir opened the door of my cage and spoke my name. The other humans moved to let me walk to the front of the cage, because if they didn't, the Hork-Bajir would probably just hurt them. I felt my arms being grabbed again as I walked towards the Pool. Suddenly, I felt a pang in my stomach, and wondered what it could be. Then, I remembered that Nordis hadn't bothered to eat since this morning, and figured it was hunger. But no, it didn't feel like a hunger pang. It hurt more.

Well, whatever it was, he would need to deal with it in a few minutes.

I waited in line, not bothering to try to escape or even fight the guards. I figured I could have "accidentally" stepped on their toes and gotten away with it, but what was the point? From this side of the Yeerk Pool, I could feel myself slip back into depression. I'd be a slave in my head, again, for almost three more days. Sure, Nordis wasn't the jerk that some Yeerks were, but it wasn't a fate I would have wished on anyone I knew.

The pain increased significantly as the Hork-Bajir guards forced me to bend over, and I thought that if Nordis didn't hurry up with the whole taking over my body thing, I might pass out.

Then, he'd have to wait until my body woke up on its own before he could leave the Pool. Which wouldn't be my problem, but it was like the reason I didn't scream anymore and give myself a sore throat. I'd be experiencing it well before my Yeerk.

I could feel Nordis crawl into my head and slowly take control. I groaned as I felt my body slip away from me. Couldn't the Yeerks have evolved so that it happened all at once? This whole little by little thing was downright annoying. More than that, it was its own kind of torture. But, as far as I could tell, it wasn't something that they could control.

Once Nordis had successfully pushed me back into a corner of my mind, he became aware of the pain in my stomach.

(Odd,) he observed, not bothering to greet me. Which, to his credit, was something that he usually did when he finished taking over my body. (I see that this pain started fairly recently.)

(Yeah, and it hurt like hell when your Yeerk friends forced me to bend over,) I told him, matter of factly.

I noted, with relief, that Nordis had taken complete control of my senses, something he hadn't done in a few months. His way of being kind, I guessed-not letting me feel pain.

(So I see,) he acknowledged, as he replayed those memories, while walking away from the Pool. (All right, Andrew. First, we'll try refueling your body with food. If it still hurts in a few hours, I'll take you to the doctor's.)

It was what I would have done, had Nordis not been in my head. Oddly enough, I was more scared now that I wasn't the one in control of my body. But, I realized, Nordis had as much of an incentive as I would have to make sure I was healthy. A host body in pain would help no one in the empire, and if he accidentally got me killed, he could be demoted, killed himself, or even just stuck waiting in the Pool for months until another human host came along.

(Fine, Nordis,) I agreed, as he walked up the staircase. (Just, make sure I don't feel it in the meantime, okay?)

(Your body's pain is moderate, now that your body is upright,) Nordis reassured me. (But, per your request, I will maintain full control of your senses for the time being.)

(Great. Thanks,) I told him.

He stopped walking. (You realize, Andrew, that's the first time you ever thanked me?)

If I had control of my eyes, I would have rolled them. (Right. Don't expect it to be a recurring thing, Nordy.)

He chuckled. (Fair enough...Andy.)

I groaned at the nickname. (Andrew.)

(Andrew,) he agreed, refraining from pointing out that I had given him a nickname.

Or, maybe, in too much pain to bother.

After all, he had full control of my senses. For all I knew, the pain hadn't lessened since I'd last experienced it. He _could_ probably lie to me, since I couldn't read his mind. Still, his emotions and movements on my body didn't indicate that he was experiencing the near agony I had been just moments earlier. So, probably, he'd been telling the truth.

For the next two and a half days, my body was his to deal with.

Since the McDonalds was one of the entrances to the Yeerk Pool, we could pass it on the way out. Given Nordis' idea to refuel my body, and its close proximity, he entered and waited in line to place an order. When the food was ready, he sat down at an empty table and ate the food at a slightly slower speed than I would have, had I been in control.

(Any pain?) I asked Nordis, after he'd finished and thrown away the trash.

(No decrease, nor increase,) he informed me. (However, human digestion takes longer than Yeerk digestion.)

It was not exactly a snide remark, coming from him. Then again, humans _could_ go for weeks without a food source, while Yeerks would die in three days without theirs. Besides, we could eat within minutes, while it took a Yeerk a good two hours to complete a successful feeding in a Yeerk Pool. As far as biology went in that regard, I figured that humans came out ahead.

Nordis didn't respond to my inner reflections, which was just as well. It wasn't exactly privacy, since I knew that he heard them, but it felt like that when your Yeerk didn't feel the need to respond to your inner monologue, or whatever it was I was engaged with.

He walked out of the mall to where he'd parked my car earlier, checking his memory to remember the number of the lot. I'd be no use in that, since I had barely paid any attention.

A few minutes into the drive, I could tell something was wrong. For one thing, Nordis was taking deep breaths every minute or so, and even though I couldn't feel my body, I could feel from his emotions that the pain had intensified.

(It's bad?) I finally asked him.

(Yes,) he told me, and the word sounded like a gasp. (I'm taking you to the hospital. Immediately.)

A/N: Characters allowing, the next chapter will be the dark one. Not that you don't know from the summary what this fic will entail, but I expect that the scene/scenes involving the hospital procedure will take place then. Having never experienced Anesthesia Awareness personally (thankfully!), I'm basically going on internet research-including stories/testimonials-and the movie that came out a decade or so ago called "Awake". Plus, of course, what little we know about Yeerk biology and how they respond to human pain from "Visser".

Finally, if you've read this far, please take a minute to leave a review.


	3. Chapter 3

I gave my Yeerk a mental nod. (Think we'll have to wait long?)

He sighed. (I hope not.)

We were quiet on the drive to the hospital, except for an occasional gasp or muttered profanity in Galard. At least, I thought it was Galard.

As for me, since I could not feel the pain anymore, I was not overly concerned. I knew this was illogical, since the only reason I wasn't in agony was because of Nordis' fierce grip on my senses. Just because I didn't feel anything didn't mean there wasn't any pain to feel.

The swearing continued whenever we arrived at a red light, or a light that was technically green, but the long line of cars in front of us might as well have made it a red light. Traffic was not especially bad at this hour, but it certainly wasn't light. Moreover, as each minute passed, it seemed that Nordis was in more pain.

In an attempt at easing the tension, I remarked that we shouldn't have eaten. This had the reverse effect, as Nordis snapped at me.

(Shut up, human!) He practically growled. (Or I _will_ let you feel every ounce of this pain.)

I flinched, mentally, and did not respond.

(Sorry,) he grumbled, a minute later. When I didn't respond, he spoke up, again. (Really, Andrew. I'm sorry.)

(Okay. Fine. Apology accepted,) I replied, after a few seconds.

(I wouldn't do that,) he told me, tone low, almost gentle.

Or, maybe, the pain my body was in was too much for him to be anything but mild.

(Okay,) I repeated. Then, I added, (Look, let's just get to the hospital and get this fixed.)

Nordis managed a laugh, and we remained silent for the rest of the drive.

We entered the ER, and I noticed that Nordis had his-my-hand held over my stomach, as though physically holding it up. A part of me wanted to ask if this was really necessary, but he heard all my thoughts, and if he thought it was worth answering, he would have said something.

For once, I was glad that he was in control. Hospitals were something I avoided at all costs. I made my necessary appointments, because the alternative was worse, but I always left doctor's offices with a sense of relief, of having escaped something horrible.

Nordis signed me in, and within minutes, a nurse called us into an exam room. It didn't take long to her to diagnose me with appendicitis.

"It's a good thing you came here right away. Your appendix would have burst if you'd waited until tomorrow," she told me. "We have an opening for an emergency surgery in a half an hour, so once we get your paperwork ready, you can go on ahead."

"I ate before coming here," Nordis told her. "Will that be a problem?"

The nurse frowned. "How long before?"

"An hour, at most."

She sighed. "Patients can't have anything for at least six hours before the procedure. I'll see what I can do about giving you some painkillers, and we'll get you into the OR tonight." She glanced at her watch. "It's 2:30, now, so if we start operating at 8:00, that should give you enough time to digest what you ate."

"And if my appendix bursts before then?" Nordis demanded.

The nurse held up her hands, the universal helpless gesture. "We can't operate if you just ate. It's too risky."

"What about giving me something to throw up what I ate?" he protested.

One thing about Yeerks-they certainly knew how to advocate for the health of their human host.

"Absolutely not. Way too dangerous." She glanced at the door. "Wait here, and I'll be back."

When she came back, about fifteen minutes later, she didn't have drugs or water with her. "I'm sorry, Andrew, but you're going to have to manage without painkillers. We'd have to postpone your surgery until even later if we gave you something." Nordis must have given her a truly withering look, because she responded with a glare before leaving the room.

We waited. And waited. I suggested looking at a magazine or something, but Nordis told me he would be unable to concentrate. I didn't bother to tell him, again, that we really shouldn't have eaten. Even though he still had an iron clad grip on my senses, I really didn't want to test his restraint with me. Besides, even if my Yeerk kept his word about that, there were other ways he could make me miserable.

Not that he'd used what he called "host discipline" on me before. I'd heard about it, of course. Both during Sharing meetings and in the cages. Hosts, mostly humans and Hork-Bajir, being tortured with their own memories. A Yeerk would play back their worst life experiences, over and over. Until they stopped fighting, at least for the time being. Sometimes, the Yeerks would play back fantasies they had. Images of making their host infest their families. Visions of those same loved ones being killed. Really, the possibilities were endless. The hosts couldn't escape this torture, could only scream and endure it until it ended. Rumor had it that some Yeerks kept it on a kind of loop, stopping only when it was time to feed. Just to break their host.

I guessed I was fortunate that Nordis never tried this. Maybe, he was in the minority. Or, maybe, it was the minority who used this as more than just the occasional punishment. Not that it made it right. Yeerks had already stolen our bodies, had full access to our memories. Did it really make them any less of a bad guy, of a monster, if they refrained from mental torture? Yeerks like Nordis had already stolen everything from us.

Still. By now, even though I would never have invited Nordis into my head, I had to admit that it wasn't all bad, all the time. Sure, I would have liked control, and power to make him leave, but sometimes, he could be kind of interesting to talk to.

Now, of course, he was preventing me from feeling what was probably the worst pain I would have ever experienced, had he not been inside my head.

Little did I know, of course, how much worse things were about to get.

The nurse finally arrived, accompanied by a doctor.

"Once you sign these forms, we can begin your appendectomy," she told us, without preamble.

In less than five minutes, Nordis and I were on a hospital bed, being wheeled into surgery. We both thought that the worst was over.

We had no idea that what Nordis had experienced during the past day was just a taste of what was to come.

A/N: Short chapter, I know. I've been working on some other Animorphs fics that I hope to post shortly, but I wanted to add more to this when rare inspiration struck. A warning: the real horror begins in the next chapter.


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